Wedding Speech Comedy Store
What Not To Say On Your Wedding Night (Him)
- You look slimmer with your clothes on.
- I think I'll have another drink, first.
- That United game is on TV in ten minutes.
- I've got these special outfits for us to wear.
- Most of the wedding gifts were for you: Iron, hoover, microwave, pots & pans.....
- So that's why you always wear padded bras!
- This is such a novelty - not having to pay!
- Is bigamy still a criminal offence?
- If you're not a virgin I will know.
- Would you mind wearing this Kate Moss mask?
- What are your views on cross-dressing?
- Are you sure that bridesmaid is older than you?
- First, clean off all that hussey paint and powder.
What Not To Say On Your Wedding Night (Her)
- Will the joint credit card arrive in time for the sale on Monday?
- You won't miss drinking with your mates once you get stuck into that garden.
- Did you get your father's will sorted out?
- I've just got to put my curlers in, first.
- I never had sex before the third date - ask your mates!
- When I'm awoken by snoring I turn violent.
- I'll be glad to get out of these - I normally wear sensible underwear.
- We do it just this once, right?
- You won't disappear during the night like all the others, will you?
- I think I should explain why I have this deep voice.
Wedding / Marriage One-Liners
- Being completely henpecked is being afraid to interrupt even other people's wives.
- If a husband spoke in the middle of a forest and there was no wife to hear him, would he still be wrong?
- A wife should be a good housekeeper - after the divorce she should always keep the house.
- Adam to Eve on their wedding night: "So, what made you choose me?"
- "I'll have you know I made my husband what he is today - a millionaire". "So, what was he before?" - "A billionaire".
- A good way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget - once.
- Quote from Groucho Marx: "My wife is jealous of other women - she's always wanted to be one."
- An aging bride had botox so she would look good on her wedding day. At the reception, she said: "Thus us thuh huppiust duh uv muy luff."
- Penguins mate for life - well, they're not going to get a better looking one are they?
- A hillbilly mixed marriage is when the bride and groom come from different families.
Wedding / Marriage Stories
A couple were celebrating their 40th wedding aniversary when a fairy appeared granting them a wish each. The wife wished to go on a fantastic second honeymoon and three minutes later, two world cruise tickets appeared on the table. Then the man wished that his wife was thirty years younger than him and three minutes later he was ninety-five years old!
A young bride to be went to see the vicar, saying she was worried about knowing what to do during the wedding ceremony. "Don't worry", the vicar reassured her, "All you have to do is walk down the aisle, stop at the alter, next we sing a hymn, then just say:'I will' at the appropriate time."
The bride was determined to get it right and practiced the procedure over and over again.
On the day of the wedding, the groom was horrified to hear his bride walking towards him chanting the words: "Aisle alter hymn, I will."
A young couple went into a jewellers to buy an engagement ring. Having made the purchase the assistant asked if they had named the day yet. The young man informed him that the marriage was to be in two months time. "In that case," the jeweller replied, "Can I interest you in a wedding band?" To which the bride replied: "No, thank you, we're having a DJ."
A gold digger engaged to a multi millionaire managed to obtain details of her fiance's accounts and showed them to her lawyer. "OK, " she said, "Now, if I married him and he died the next day, what would I get?" "Life", replied the lawyer.